literature

An Itching Failure

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     I could've won, I know I could have, but I didn't. This was my last chane to turn it all around, to make my training worth while, but in the end I was stopped by something I didn't expect and now I won't be able to catch up, I'd be left behind, left behind to eat their dust and to remain on my knees licking my wounds, never to rise to their ranks, no matter how hard I try.
     Teardrops fell upon my desk, because I couldn't think of anything else but my failure and because of this one failure, I've lost almost all motivation to carry on. I just plain stopped caring about my well being and the well being of others and all I could care about is the humiliation of having my ass handed to me on a silver platter, a feeling I just can't shake off and even if I do, someone, somehow, something will remind me of it and it'll be back to haunt me again.
     The test was six months ago, and yet it felt like it just happened minutes ago. I tried to fool myself into thinking I didn't care, that it was just a belt, just a stupid title to make a person feel cool. But the truth was that I did care, I wanted that title more than anything else, I wanted to be part of something, something signifigent and now I'll never earn that title, even if I do, I'll never catch up with the others and once someone I hate gets to that  rank before me I'll never hear the end of it and I'll probably be more angry than humiliated.
      I took a sip from a bottle of Mike's, even though I was well below the legal drinking age, but I continued to drink as I went over the same train of thought over and over again in my head, trying to find some kind of silver lining to all this, but I couldn't. What was so great about failing? I have heard the same phrase dozens of times, that you can learn more from defeat than victory, well I'll you what I learned, I learned that no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I work toward that goal, some kind of obstacle will always be in my way, something unexpected and it will always be too much for me; that is what I learned from my defeat.
     Though I seem to be taking it well, it gnaws at me from the back of my head every day and at some point, because of that failure I know that I'm gonna snap. But the one circumstance I want to know, is if anyone defended me reguardless of the result, or did they all hide behind the rules and traditions of the test and let me fail. Knowing might've made me feel better, or worse either way, but I do know this, they thought I did fine, that I had enough chance and will to pass that test but until I catch up to them, however unlikely, I'll know myself if I had what it takes to make black belt.
:iconcommentplz:
I was once again reminded of my failure at Tae Kwon Do testing last year, a failure that still chaps my ass tothis day.
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you sound depressed